Dave Attwood felt like a fraud. He has given nearly seven years of service to Bath and is aware he was not thinking rationally, but day-to-day involvement without the release at weekends – and a series of aborted comebacks – left him emotionally exhausted by his chronic knee injury.
“You feel like you’ve got a real lack of purpose because your job is to play rugby,” Attwood says. “It would be like if you were a data analyst and someone took away your computer. Even in conversations with [the Bath owner] Bruce Craig and the coaches, you feel like an imposter because you’re not doing what you feel obligated to do. Everyone is very understanding but the rational side of it is never the dominant side, is it?”
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Attwood’s injury problems began at an England training camp before the 2016 autumn internationals and he has managed only 71 minutes for Bath since the start of 2017. He is matter of fact about the injury – “every second-row in the Premiership, whether he’s 20 or 40, will suffer degeneration of the knee cartilage” – but it is the mental strain of continued setbacks that prompted a loan move to Toulon in February.
“It has been particularly difficult with so many false summits along the way. It has been exhausting emotionally to feel like you’re almost there and then have another step back. There’s a real frustration and it is emotionally very tough to negotiate.”
Attwood addresses the stress of a long spell on the sidelines candidly but with an injury spike taking hold across the Premiership, he fears others are suffering in silence. He has only praise for the help offered by the Rugby Players’ Association, as well as Bath, but believes compulsory counselling sessions for players with long-term injuries would avoid anyone in need of assistance slipping through the net.
“A private counselling session that, as a compulsory measure, you had to attend would take the pressure off, there’s no stigma. The boys can complain about it and if they don’t get anything out of it that’s fine, but the small catchment of players who feel awkward about asking for professional help would receive it.
“Often, it’s difficult to open up to someone you know. Even your wife, friends, family – within those close relationships it can be difficult to say: ‘I’m really down about this, I’m really sad about this situation.’ And I wonder if there are more and more people injured then there are more and more going through the stresses associated with injury.”
It remains early days but Attwood has made three consecutive starts for Toulon. The move came as a surprise when it was announced but seems beneficial for both clubs – Toulon were light at second-row and Bath are set to benefit in the long run. They also stand to gain financially because, while Attwood is in France, he is exempt from the salary cap. Attwood, meanwhile, is relishing his new surroundings, his sense of adventure in overdrive on the Côte d’Azur. “Just to get into the changing rooms and have that buzz before the game, it’s something you don’t realise you miss. I’ve never been one for banging the drum or whacking my head against the wall but the emotional saga that comes with playing on a matchday – you can’t replicate that.
“If you’d asked me at Christmas if I was going to Toulon I’d have laughed in your face. It was out of the blue but we were looking for a way to get me on to the field in a very different environment.”
As he is only on loan, it is to Attwood’s credit he has immersed himself in his overseas experience, arranging French lessons on top of those provided by Toulon, who are still in contention in the Top 14 and the Champions Cup. “To get the most out of it, one of the first things I can do is get up to speed with the language,” he says. “As an experienced player, my communication is one of my main skills and that is significantly hindered if you can’t speak the language.”
As a youngster Attwood drew comparisons to Martin Johnson and whereas his aggression got him into trouble in the past, at 30 he is now a seasoned, if still formidable, second-row. Indeed, considering how well stocked England are at lock, it is easy to forget Attwood has played twice under Eddie Jones. With a year left on his Bath contract he still harbours ambitions of returning to the fold and while Toulon are in action on Saturday night he will keep an eye on events in Paris a couple of hours earlier. “It would be good to further impart on my coaches the fine English stock that I come from.”
With such a long lay-off, however, Attwood has inevitably been contemplating life after rugby. He has a degree in physics and philosophy, but says: “Having the credentials for a life after rugby does not correspond to being prepared.
“I’ve renovated houses in Bath, I’ve been doing a bit of carpentry and woodwork, making furniture, getting a feel for things I’d like to do. As soon as you start your career you should be preparing for life after the game.”
For the time being, though, Attwood can be forgiven for simply enjoying the present.