Live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania this is the Raw Deal…
This video package to start the show felt longer than normal. Maybe I was just tired? Anyway, Orton came out with his new viper t-shirt that I would never wear. He got to talking and then the singer Meat Loaf aka Bitch Tits Bob (Fight Club, people) showed up in SUPER ANNOYING~! mode. Dear God, this was brutal. Basically he acted like an idiot, it went on for way too long and Orton gave him the RKO. Thank you for that. What a brutally annoying segment this was. Edge came out. He bitched about how things needed to change, so he complained to WWE brass and he made it so that guest hosts couldn’t make matches anymore. Maybe they can explain why guest hosts still exist? No? Okay. Also, we have a new permanent GM on Raw…Vickie Guerrero. Crowd gave her huge heel heat. She made a match that would pit Orton against Edge and a partner of his choice later on. I wonder how Orton will overcome those odds! Yes, I wonder. This was an okay opening aside from Meat Loaf.
The immediate question to ponder is if there’s a GM and the guest hosts are powerless, why are there still guest hosts? The answer became irrelevant later.
Hey, there are Pittsburgh Steelers in the front row. No Ben Roethlisberger. Maybe he was in the bathroom with a chick. His pickup spot.
Chris Jericho d. David Hart Smith (*)
A vintage three minute special on Raw since Smith was able to get Jericho in the Sharpshooter in about two minutes. Does that seem right? No. It’s called a rushed match. Jericho won with the Codebreaker, so now the Hart Dynasty has to defend the belts against Jericho & Miz at Over The Limit. Fine by me.
Edge was talking to somebody backstage. The camera panned over to show it was Batista. Could that be his partner? Oh, the intrigue.
Before the next match, R-Truth came out with Flavor Flav. Flavor Flav did a good job of hyping up the crowd as he’s obviously capable of doing, but do you think Vince had any idea what he was saying for the majority of it? He was plugging his show. It sounds awful. I want a camera on Vince watching this stuff happen on his show. It would be a great reality show.
R-Truth wrestled Regal for about 30 seconds. The Colon brothers came out, beat the shit out of Truth and Carlito gave him the Back Cracker. Cole summed it up for us by saying that they reunited on Superstars. They walked up the ramp and Ted Dibiase gave them envelopes that we assume have money in them. Could they be a part of his “Fortunate Sons” stable that’s rumored to be beginning soon? They announcers did call Ted the “fortunate son” so that could be where they are going with this. That whole paragraph took more thought than the segment. Let’s move on.
They did a video package on Eve I guess because the divas match was on Superstars this week. I guess she’s smart, sexy and powerful although have we ever heard her speak for more than five seconds? I don’t think I have.
Next they showed Maryse training with a martial arts instructor. She wasn’t getting it, so she slapped him and kicked him in the knee. I don’t think chicks wear outfits like that for martial arts training.
Backstage, Orton SLITHERED his way to a promo talking about how he hopes Vickie is at ringside so that he can show her a surprise. IN HIS PANTS! I added the last three words. Letterman joke.
Speaking of Letterman, one of my fave actresses Evangeline Lily (Kate from Lost) was on Letterman’s show tonight and she was looking fantastic. Fine looking woman. I like short brunettes. You know, like that other one. What’s her name? Lost should be great the next couple of weeks. Looking forward to seeing how it ends while also having some sadness because it’s coming to a conclusion.
Next week’s Raw guest host for a two hour commercial free show? Astronaut Buzz Aldrin. In Toronto. All of the famous Canadians they could get and they get an old American astronaut. Way to target the demographic. At least Bret Hart will be there.
Evan Bourne d. Zack Ryder (*)
They wonder why nobody gets over? They got two minutes. Alicia was at ringside, she tried to help Zack win, but Gail thwarted that and Bourne won. I guess this sets up a tag match next week or on Superstars. What a great storyline. It’s almost better if they don’t try.
John Cena came out for a promo. He spoke in his normal voice for it rather than his usual speak normal and THEN RAISE YOUR VOICE tone. He said Sheamus’ attack opened his eyes and that his match with Batista at Over the Limit will be their last match. He said if he loses he’s not invoking his rematch clause. He announced their stip as an I Quit Match, which is the same match Cena had with Orton at Breaking Point although I guess I’m not allowed to remember things like that. Anyway, Cena’s winning that of course. After his announcement he called out Sheamus. Then like the vintage dumbass Cena is, he got jumped from behind by Batista. The heels beat him up together leaving Cena in a heap. Mark Henry made the save for some reason. Decent segment. Still wondering what Sheamus is doing at the PPV since they’re not throwing him into the title match.
Backstage, Edge talked with Vickie. Said they are still friends. So we’re allowed to remember that he was “married” to Vickie, but we’re not allowed to remember that Edge & Christian were called “brothers” for about four years? Okay then. Thanks for that, WWE. Anyway, he wants her at ringside. She doesn’t want to, but he convinces her it’ll be okay.
They showed a video for Flavor Flav’s “Nite Tales” TV show. Looks terrible. Won’t last long. Sorry Flavor.
Tyson Kidd d. The Miz (DUD)
The stip was that if Tyson won then one of the Hart family members gets a US title shot at Miz. Explaining the stip took longer than the match, which was under a minute. Nice cradle win by Tyson. Miz announces that his opponent next week will be Bret Hart. Sure it will. Why should we give a shit about the US title if it’s never defended and when the guy that’s champion is losing in under a minute? It’s stupid booking.
Backstage, Batista said he’d make Cena scream “I Quit” and told us to watch what he does to Mark Henry. Asking us to watch Mark Henry is very mean.
The 8 NXT Dudes d. John Morrison, Goldust, Yoshi Tatsu & Santino Marella (*)
The moved Morrison off the wrestling show for this? Good God! Can’t they just toss aside 10 of the guys and just give us Morrison vs. Bryan? That would be good for me. The highlight of this was Santino’s part in the slow motion entrance. Classic! This was a long match for this show at about three minutes. They actually booked Bryan to win something for once as he was able to beat Santino with a cradle. The NXT guys celebrated like it was a huge deal. Crowd was completely dead for it. What? You mean the crowd doesn’t give a shit when a guy that’s booked to lose all the team beats a guy that loses all the time? What a shocker! I’m sure they’ll blame Bryan for it.
Holy shit, a Smackdown Rebound on Raw! You mean they finally realized it was a good idea to promote the show with less viewers on the show with more viewers? What a genius idea…that I’ve been writing for months. It focused on Drew McIntyre getting fired, which will probably last all of a week.
Vintage guest host time with the Bellas “acting” like they give a shit about the guest host’s life. Cue comedy time with Kozlov, Santino and Regal. They ask Regal to bust a move, so he cuts a rap that is pretty damn great just because of his delivery. I didn’t write out any lines. I wasn’t paying that much attention, but what I remember I liked. Then they had Cole on commentary acting like a moron like usual saying “vintage Regal.” I hate guest hosts. I really do.
I hope Regal retires soon and they put him on commentary. He’d be amazing in that spot whereas Jerry Lawler is atrocious at this point. That’s a move that I’d like to see happen. And let him be a heel!
The Batista/Mark Henry match was fantastic only because it led to Mark Henry getting destroyed by Batista. He went after his shoulder with a chair. Then he grapevined his arm/shoulder with his legs and put a hold on while Precious Mark Henry screamed in pain. KOOL AID GO SMASH~! Batista was great during the whole thing, bringing a lot of intensity and not giving a shit. He’s a really good heel.
The announcers talked about it with their vintage SERIOUS VOICES~! just to let you know that poor Mark was hurt bad. Maybe he’s going to be out with a shoulder injury? I don’t know.
Next week’s Raw is from Toronto. I’m not going even though it’s a couple hours away. Got work the next day. Plus the quality of Raw isn’t very good these days. Would have been nice to see Bret Hart in person, though. Also next week it’s Cena vs. Sheamus. Cue the DQ finish. It’s happening.
Randy Orton d. Edge & Ted Dibiase (*1/4)
This was both the match of the night in terms of quality (a whopping one and a quarter star) as well as the longest match of the night at five minutes, which felt like an Ironman match on this show. To be honest by the time we got here I was so tired of this show I was barely paying attention to the match. Does Orton ever hit the RKO when he pounds his fists to the mat? I don’t think he does. The guy always seems to counter. Edge was out of the picture, so R-Truth walked out there, distracted Dibiase and he turned around like a dumbass into the RKO for the loss.
Post match, Orton stalked Vickie, she was screaming and then she yelled “I resign” twice. Of course moments later the announcers asked if she resigned. Yes, they’re THAT stupid. So that’s the culmination of the one week Vickie/Orton saga. Anyway, with Vickie gone, Orton turned to Edge and gave him a RKO on the floor to end the show. Seconds straight week where Orton lays him out. That means Orton gets beat up next week. Mark it down.
Three Stars of the Night
1. Randy Orton – Easily.
2. William Regal – The rap.
3. Daniel Bryan – Finally booked to win something.
Honorable mention to Santino for the slow motion trumpet and Batista for beating up Mark Henry.
Worst Moment of the Night
Meat Loaf. God, that was painful to watch.
4 out of 10
Last week: 6
The Orton/Edge feud is good. A lot of the other stuff felt way too rushed for me. Look at my writeup. It’s a bunch of short paragraphs because that’s what the show was. Segment after segment without much time dedicated to anything. I’m not a fan of “throw everybody on the show in short segments and hope it sticks” because you don’t give the fans any reason to care about the guys.
Total in-ring action for the WHOLE two hour show? About 15 minutes. There’s about 90 minutes of airtime on a two hour show. They used 1/4 of that on actual matches. On Smackdown, they use 15 minutes on one match most weeks. Brutal. At least next week’s show will be two hours without commercials, so they’ll likely have actual matches. At least we’ll get a 15 minute Kofi/Christian match on SD this week. Should be a blast.
Hey, at least they didn’t say controversial the whole show. That’s something.
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