I am a 25-year-old woman who has always masturbated in the prone position. Sex with another person, even oral sex, brings me no pleasure. When I had a boyfriend, I pretended to enjoy sex, fearing he would leave me if I was honest. We broke up for other reasons, but now I am single and petrified of never finding another partner or enjoying sex. It is making me depressed.
Every person’s sexual journey is one of trial, error and experimentation. Learning to have satisfying sex with a partner takes time. Try not to catastrophise. You are far from the only person who has developed a masturbation style that does not easily segue to sex with a partner. The good news is that you understand your sexual-response triggers and style. If you can share your needs with a partner (which is the essence of satisfying sex), there are many ways to bridge this.
Try to find someone to whom you are greatly attracted, and whom you can trust to be open and compliant when you make requests. Then you must be brave enough to ask for and try positions and styles of lovemaking that could be stimulating for you, beginning with what most closely approximates your preferred position. Try adopting your favourite self-pleasuring position, then guide your partner to adopt a complementary position and guide their hand to caress you correctly. Once you can achieve orgasm like this, experiment to gradually extend your range of stimulating positions. It is important to encourage your partner to give you an orgasm before attempting coitus; gentle, seductive instruction will be appreciated.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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