Late-night monologues from Stephen Colbert and Samantha Bee focused on the strict Alabama law that has effectively banned abortions in the state.
Samantha Bee
The Full Frontal host focused on the controversial law, which makes no exceptions for rape and incest. “No exceptions for rape and incest is also Roy Moore’s dating profile,” she said. She also took aim at the proponents of the bill, focusing on Clyde Chambliss, an Alabama state senator who has said he doesn’t know if he’s smart enough to be pregnant. Bee derided Chambliss, calling him dumb and giving a few more examples of his gaffes. “When asked why the bill doesn’t bestow personhood on the thousands of zygotes in fertility clinics, he said the quiet part loud. ‘The egg in the lab doesn’t apply. It’s not in a woman. She’s not pregnant,’” Bee recounted for her audience, pointing out the strange division in thinking.
The host then touched on the dangerous trend of so-called “heartbeat bills”. Bee explained that the bills all share one similarity: “The one thing all these bills have in common is that the people writing them have no fucking idea how the internal reproductive system works!” She then took it upon herself to teach “sex-ed to senators”, to the cheers of her audience. She opened her lesson with: “Welcome to class, you fucking idiots.”
Bee first debunked the belief that women almost immediately know they are pregnant. Noting that the best pregnancy test can only tell eight days out and that doctors only count from the last day of the menstrual cycle, the host said: “It’s still hard to tell you’re pregnant at the six weeks. You might have no symptoms or if you do, they are symptoms like fatigue or bloating and gas. On the other hand, it does explain PF Chang’s new motto: ‘Maybe, it’s not us. Maybe you’re pregnant.’” Bee then touched on other myths and horrifying realities the Republican legislators have put forth, like the reimplantation of ectopic pregnancies and investigations that might take place after a miscarriage.
“To put it in perspective for you male senators, it would be like if cops showed up every time you miracle-whipped into your wife’s good towels and accused you of genocide,” the host said. Bee closed her monologue with this statement: “Look, these laws are designed to oppress and control and, ultimately, overturn Roe v Wade and if they succeed, they will directly result in death and poverty for women and other vulnerable people. But it is especially fucked up that the people doing the regulating wouldn’t know a vulva if it bit them in the face. Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you this one thing: they all bite.”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert also dissected Alabama’s passing of legislation that will restrict nearly all abortions in the state. “That is either an overreach by the Alabama GOP or some pretty intense viral marketing for the new season of Handmaid’s Tale,” commented Colbert. The host then jokingly questioned: “If a TV show has to become reality, why can’t it be Star Trek so they can beam me off this planet?” He also talked about how regressive the law was, as doctors who perform any abortions will face jail time with possible sentences of about 99 years. “Let’s see, it’s 2019, so by the time those doctors get out of jail in Alabama, it will be 1895.” The vote from the Alabama senate passed 25-6, with all yes votes coming from white Republican men, “though it might be the last time those Republican men will be coming for a while”, the host cheekily quipped to his audience.
He also focused on this dangerous trend of Republican-led legislatures who have passed similar bills, from states such as Ohio, Georgia and Mississippi. While Colbert did tell his audience reasonable people can disagree on the topic, he informed his audience the law was not sincere, rather “a purposeful and cynical overreach because they just want to use this law to get to the supreme court to overturn Roe v Wade”. Because the accused sexual predator Brett Kavanaugh was recently confirmed to the supreme court, this case could, in Colbert’s words, “overturn Roe v Wade, as long as it doesn’t arrive at the supreme court during Beach Week”. But at least one woman in the Alabama legislative houses is fighting back, said the host. State senator Vivian Figures offered an amendment to make vasectomies a felony, following the ultra-restrictive ban on abortion. “Oh, snap! I mean, snip,” closed the host, making a scissor movement with his hands.
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